Friday, September 2, 2011

BMW recall 2002-2005 models for obsolete equipment - turn signals & brake lights

BMW has issued a recall on 2002-2005 models because some drivers realized they actually had turn signals and tail lights that helped other drivers on the road.  Infuriated Beemer owners rallied to have them removed from their vehicles as they are only impeding their actual goal in life: to piss off everyone else around them.

It all started after a few Beemer drivers took turns without being honked at, screamed at, or flicked off.

These Beemer drivers realized that the turn coincided with a clicking sound and a flashing light, they could only deem as a distraction to them, and an aid to other drivers on the road.  One Beemer driver stated, "I was texting a friend while driving 60 mph in a school zone, when my hand accidentally knocked a switch on the steering column.  I was frightened by the noise and the flashing lights, and decided to turn right and pull over to find out what was going on.  After completing the turn, I realized that I had not angered anyone on the road with my driving and that's when it all hit me.  I'd unassumingly used my turn signal to make a legal and safe road maneuver."  The Beemer driver added, "Well you can imagine my fury at this.  Why on earth would BMW install these useless gadgets in my vehicle.  This car was meant to be a status symbol.  I don't use turn signals, because I'm a BMW owner and that means I shouldn't have to obey any 'rules of the road' because I'm better than everyone else."

Later that day, that same lawer/Beemer driver was last seen making an illegal left turn without his turn signal, when an on-coming semi sped up and ran him over, just in the knick of time.  Said the semi driver, "It was a very close call, I was driving through this school zone at 2 miles an hour, and my No Doz pills were wearing off, luckily, the eight ball I did had just kicked in, and I was able to accelerate fast enough to make sure he was dead on impact.  All in a days work really.  Now, if you don't mind, my eight ball is wearing off, and I need to get back to running cars off the highway."

This video was played at the lawyer/Beemer driver's funeral, as his eulogy:
BMW: The Ultimate Asshole Machine

Read the actual recall story here:
http://www.autoweek.com/article/20110901/CARNEWS/110909989

Or, click here and vote if you think BMW drivers are the biggest assholes jerks on the road: http://www.sodahead.com/living/are-bmw-drivers-usually-the-biggest-jerks-on-the-road/question-187554/?link=ibaf&q=bmw+drivers

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Your Complete Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Whether the next apocalypse is zombie infested or not, these resources may help you out, and prolong your existence through some new and exciting times!!!

The CDC has weighed in on the Zombie Apocalypse, so we thought it would be best to feature some of the better resources concerning these harrowing issues.

1 - The CDC says it is prepared for this outbreak, and offers some suggestions for you to follow.
Seriously, this is on the CDC website!!!  http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

2 - The Zombie Survival Guide [Complete Protection From The Living Dead] - By Max Brooks
Is it fiction?  Or is it real, and has it already begun?!  http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/zombiesurvivalguide/index2.html

This book is cleverly crafted to make you think about the past, present and future in a whole new way.  Filled with strategies and lists every possible scenario, Max Brooks is nothing if not completely and utterly thorough.  This even contains some possible historic stories of past zombie breakouts.




3 - Zombie Tools - Accessories For The Apocalypse
The Deuce
These guys and gals have some serious weaponry on sale for your stylish undead slaughtering.  They even have one named after me!!  The Deuce.

http://zombietools.net/


4 - ZombieFit - Fitness To Survive The Apocalypse
I kid you not, these classes actually exist, as seen on the WGN Morning Show.  These guys teach you all you need to know about your cardio, fitness, and urban survival maneuvers.  Their website even offers daily workout suggestions - http://zombiefit.org/

Survival Workout
1 Climb
Zombies aren’t very spry, so climbing over barriers is a key evasive maneuver. Practice on a wall that’s a little taller than you.
Extra training: Pull-ups, bench dips
Muscles worked: Core, triceps, deltoids
2 Free Fall
Jumping off a roof may provide temporary respite, but break a leg on landing and you’re dinner. Cushion the impact by extending your legs and touching down on the balls of your feet. Then get up and make tracks.
Extra training: Toe raises
Muscles worked: Calves, hamstrings
3 Hurdle
Run at a sturdy obstacle—park bench, subway turnstile, picnic table. Dive forward, placing both hands on the object, and swing your legs up to your chest. The momentum will propel you over.
Extra training: Air squats, push-ups, sit-ups
Muscles worked: Pecs, delts, quads
4 Breakaway
“Extricating yourself from a zombie’s grasp uses every muscle in your body,” says Rich Gatz of ZombieFit. Practice by lifting and tossing a big object like a tractor tire.
Extra training: Resistance running, weighted pull-ups and push-ups
Muscles worked: Lats, core, hamstrings

5 - Zombie Killing Soundtrack 
Because you've got to have some tune-age to go with all that carnage!  Here's an example list:


6 - Watch Visual Accounts - A good way to study up on the habits of zombies and tactics of survivors.
Here's a list of some zombie films & features to learn from, study them closely:
    Dawn of the Dead
    The Walking Dead
    28 Days Later
    Shaun of the Dead
    Zombieland
    Army of Darkness
    Dead Alive 
    Land Of The Dead
    Night of the Living Dead
    Survival of the Dead


7 - Virtual Training - Get used to the pace, the constant droning, and the patience it takes to survive zombie attacks
    Resident Evil
    The House of the Dead
    Dead Space
    Dead Rising
    Left For Dead
    Dead Island


8 - Get the right gear!! Dress for the life you want, not the life you have.
Apart from just the weaponry involved, their are some other things you should be strapping, and these guys have some terrific ideas:
http://www.undeadreport.com/2008/02/zombie-apocalypse-defense-gear/

9 - Show you're still alive - with a sense of humor!  They don't laugh, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Think Positive - Moving on after Bears lose to Packers


For Bears fans everywhere, this Sunday's loss to the Packers in the NFC title game is the worst in the team's history.  But there is little use in dwelling on the subject, as nothing you say or do will reverse the end result.  No, it is better to just move on with your life and restore your sanity.

Here are some positives you can take with you:

  1. Who really wants to make a trip to Dallas!!
  2. You can finally wash that stinky ass Bears jersey that you kept dirty in a desperate superstitious act to give the team that extra bit of luck.
  3. Take back your relaxing Sundays, with no more near-heart-attack-inducing fits of rage and feelings of hopelessness from close wins or losses.  Or use them to complete your honey-do-list.
  4. You can finally say "I told you so" to Cutler supporters.
  5. Maybe now you won't get that DUI on Superbowl Sunday?
  6. Fix your now damaged relationship with your significant other.  With no more fantasy football addictions, playoff rituals, drunken nights boasting about how the Bears will win the Superbowl, or gambling debts to worry about, you can spend more carefree time with your real family.
  7. Packer fans would have only insisted the Bears & the NFL teamed up in a massive conspiracy in order to knock out Green Bay, and this could have gone on for years, incessantly.  This way they can just drink their way into oblivion and Wisconsin will benefit enormously from all the tax money and DUI fines collected in the following weeks.
  8. You can finally say "I told you so" to Lovie supporters.
  9. Are the Steelers really the team we wanted to beat to get our next Superbowl?  We deserve better.  Plus we would have beaten another Pennsylvania city in a major championship [Blackhawks win 2010 Stanley Cup over Flyers], and that just doesn't seem fair to a state that really has nothing else going for it.
  10. If we win another Superbowl, we'll finally have to stop talking about the 85 Bears, and nobody wants to do that.
  11. Meh, its only a game.  I know this is the only one you'll really have a problem with, but when you say that phrase, in all seriousness, to a Packer fan, the reaction will be priceless, and the drunken retorts will fall to the ground harmlessly.  But seriously, don't let it get to you, it really is just a game.
Bear saying hi to a Packer fan

Monday, December 20, 2010

Santa Claus, An Engineering Retrospective

The question all parents have to hear, at one time or another, "Is Santa real?" Or for the more scholarly children out there, "Is it even a possibility that his task could be achievable?"  You've got to give them an answer, or to them, you'll look even stupider than normal, so here's a couple of references you can use to build your argument for, "yes, dear, he does - in fact, here's scientific proof of his existence."  
SmartTechnology - Technology For Change - Santa's Sleigh Propelled by Smart Technology

In my mind, though, it may just be easier to strip away the fantasy & tell'em he just doesn't exist. 


Is it theoretically possible?...
Or does he?  There are two more arguments on this subject that have been proposed by engineers, who apparently, wish to remain anonymous:


1 - Santa Claus: an Engineering Analysis - 
    
2 - Santa Claus: An Engineering Analysis - REBUTTAL - 

...or is it just another sad lie we tell our kids?
For the real non-believer, check out the website NORAD [North American Aerospace Defense Command] has dedicated to Santa-tracking, in case there's a chance he goes rogue... http://www.noradsanta.org/


And there is even a Santa Claus blog - http://clauschronicles.blogspot.com/ - and this article gives you his house-count.
  
The choice is up to you, do you want your kids living in a fantasy world of flying game, hyper-speed sleighs and all-knowing philanthropic old men?  Given the reality of the world today, maybe that is the way to go.

Friday, December 17, 2010

New law prohibits silent killing of blind pedestrians by Hybrid vehicle owners

Apparently blind pedestrian hunting season has been opened up by Hybrid vehicle owners, and the blind aren't too happy about it!  Hybrid owners have been getting away with murder lately, and going about that business with nothing more than a slight purr.  Now they, like most other purring prowlers, must announce their intent with more of a roar, or in this case vrroom.  And the blind pedestrians of the world finally feel that the playing field has been leveled.

http://washingtonexaminer.com/politics/2010/12/house-approves-bill-make-hybrids-louder

Anonymous Product Review: Cool new tool not for fools - or sissy-men.

The reviewer, who wishes to be known only as "ManlyManDan" [and says that the Dan part is only in there because it rhymes], says that his wife [which he doesn't really care if she remains anonymous because she deserves to be vilified in this situation, but identifying her would certainly draw out the author's true self, so therefore she gets away with it, this time], gave him looks like he was a sissy-man for using a loofah in the shower.  This prompted the purchase of the Dove Men's Care Shower Tool, and ManlyManDan says it does a "satisfactory job" cleaning his body and his "undercarriage and junk."  Here is the rest of ManlyManDan's review:


I recently switched from using a lady-likely-labeled loofah, to the new Dove Men's Care Shower Tool.  Immediately during my first use, I noticed that this product would revolutionize the way men sexfoliated© their skin.  Not only is it shaped like an athletic supporter that can be used on your face, but they also call it a tool, which makes it even more super-manly.  Upon my initial product run, I felt invigorated and alive in the shower, maybe even for the first time.  It really felt as though I was shaving skin off of my body, and made me feel like a snake molting, which we all know to be the epitome of cleanliness, and/or Godliness [depending on your religious views].  While the old sally of a loofah had better sudsing capabilities, this product had two settings for tearing dirty flesh off of a man:  either use the mesh side for lathering the soap all over your musculature while only removing the dirtiest of derma, or the scrub side, which has scrubbing powers that will literally clean you to the bone.

* A note on using the Tool on your "bone," however, avoid direct contact to the groinal area with the Shower Tool, as some users, who wish to remain even more anonymous, have reported scarring and painful abrasions to their units.  There is one other area I need not mention that requires a bit of skill and practice to master cleaning with the Shower Tool, so only advanced users should attempt this.  

With all of these great advantages, the Tool does come with a down-side: Dove recommends changing out for a new Tool every 4-6 weeks, which, ironically, is just about the time it takes to grow a manly bond with your Tool.  So, other than that, and not using the Tool on your tool, I say this product gets 4 1/2 big ups, G.



Cool new tool not for fools - or sissy-men.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Perhaps known better for his explosive temper in the kitchen than for his plethora of successful shows, restaurants, and numerous cookbooks, this man has more tv time than the entire cast of every Law and Order. He is Gordon Ramsay and he won't tolerate your stupidity.

Good rants, good raves
If you ever find yourself on one of his shows, you'd better damn well know how to cook a perfect risotto, here is a recipe found on Food.com.  Learn it, or "get out of my kitchen you stupid cow!!"

Gordon Ramsay's Tomato and Mushroom Risotto

Prep Time: 10 mins | Total Time: 55 mins

Directions:  


  1. In a large saucepan sauté the shallots with the olive oil for about 3 to 4 minutes and then add the mushrooms and continue to sauté for another 5 minutes, stirring frequently until softened.
  2. Stir in the rice and cook for another minute or two. Add the wine, stir and cook until absorbed. Pour in a quarter of the chicken broth, bring to a boil and cook until absorbed, stirring frequently.
  3. Gradually stir in the rest of the broth over a period of about 15 minutes, adding more as each previous amount is absorbed. This helps to give you a creamy risotto.
  4. When the rice is al dente, mix in the tomatoes and herbs. Check the seasoning and stir in the cheeses. Serve in warmed bowls topped with shaved aged Parmesan.