Friday, September 2, 2011

BMW recall 2002-2005 models for obsolete equipment - turn signals & brake lights

BMW has issued a recall on 2002-2005 models because some drivers realized they actually had turn signals and tail lights that helped other drivers on the road.  Infuriated Beemer owners rallied to have them removed from their vehicles as they are only impeding their actual goal in life: to piss off everyone else around them.

It all started after a few Beemer drivers took turns without being honked at, screamed at, or flicked off.

These Beemer drivers realized that the turn coincided with a clicking sound and a flashing light, they could only deem as a distraction to them, and an aid to other drivers on the road.  One Beemer driver stated, "I was texting a friend while driving 60 mph in a school zone, when my hand accidentally knocked a switch on the steering column.  I was frightened by the noise and the flashing lights, and decided to turn right and pull over to find out what was going on.  After completing the turn, I realized that I had not angered anyone on the road with my driving and that's when it all hit me.  I'd unassumingly used my turn signal to make a legal and safe road maneuver."  The Beemer driver added, "Well you can imagine my fury at this.  Why on earth would BMW install these useless gadgets in my vehicle.  This car was meant to be a status symbol.  I don't use turn signals, because I'm a BMW owner and that means I shouldn't have to obey any 'rules of the road' because I'm better than everyone else."

Later that day, that same lawyer/Beemer driver was last seen making an illegal left turn without his turn signal, when an on-coming semi sped up and ran him over, just in the nick of time.  Said the semi driver, "It was a very close call, I was driving through this school zone at 2 miles an hour, and my No Doz pills were wearing off, luckily, the eight ball I did had just kicked in, and I was able to accelerate fast enough to make sure he was dead on impact.  All in a days work really.  Now, if you don't mind, my eight ball is wearing off, and I need to get back to running cars off the highway."

This video was played at the lawyer/Beemer driver's funeral, as his eulogy:
BMW: The Ultimate Asshole Machine

Read the actual recall story here:
http://www.autoweek.com/article/20110901/CARNEWS/110909989

Or, click here and vote if you think BMW drivers are the biggest assholes jerks on the road: http://www.sodahead.com/living/are-bmw-drivers-usually-the-biggest-jerks-on-the-road/question-187554/?link=ibaf&q=bmw+drivers

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Your Complete Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Whether the next apocalypse is zombie infested or not, these resources may help you out, and prolong your existence through some new and exciting times!!!

The CDC has weighed in on the Zombie Apocalypse, so we thought it would be best to feature some of the better resources concerning these harrowing issues.

1 - The CDC says it is prepared for this outbreak, and offers some suggestions for you to follow.
Seriously, this is on the CDC website!!!  http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

2 - The Zombie Survival Guide [Complete Protection From The Living Dead] - By Max Brooks
Is it fiction?  Or is it real, and has it already begun?!  http://www.randomhouse.com/crown/zombiesurvivalguide/index2.html

This book is cleverly crafted to make you think about the past, present and future in a whole new way.  Filled with strategies and lists every possible scenario, Max Brooks is nothing if not completely and utterly thorough.  This even contains some possible historic stories of past zombie breakouts.




3 - Zombie Tools - Accessories For The Apocalypse
The Deuce
These guys and gals have some serious weaponry on sale for your stylish undead slaughtering.  They even have one named after me!!  The Deuce.

http://zombietools.net/


4 - ZombieFit - Fitness To Survive The Apocalypse
I kid you not, these classes actually exist, as seen on the WGN Morning Show.  These guys teach you all you need to know about your cardio, fitness, and urban survival maneuvers.  Their website even offers daily workout suggestions - http://zombiefit.org/

Survival Workout
1 Climb
Zombies aren’t very spry, so climbing over barriers is a key evasive maneuver. Practice on a wall that’s a little taller than you.
Extra training: Pull-ups, bench dips
Muscles worked: Core, triceps, deltoids
2 Free Fall
Jumping off a roof may provide temporary respite, but break a leg on landing and you’re dinner. Cushion the impact by extending your legs and touching down on the balls of your feet. Then get up and make tracks.
Extra training: Toe raises
Muscles worked: Calves, hamstrings
3 Hurdle
Run at a sturdy obstacle—park bench, subway turnstile, picnic table. Dive forward, placing both hands on the object, and swing your legs up to your chest. The momentum will propel you over.
Extra training: Air squats, push-ups, sit-ups
Muscles worked: Pecs, delts, quads
4 Breakaway
“Extricating yourself from a zombie’s grasp uses every muscle in your body,” says Rich Gatz of ZombieFit. Practice by lifting and tossing a big object like a tractor tire.
Extra training: Resistance running, weighted pull-ups and push-ups
Muscles worked: Lats, core, hamstrings

5 - Zombie Killing Soundtrack 
Because you've got to have some tune-age to go with all that carnage!  Here's an example list:


6 - Watch Visual Accounts - A good way to study up on the habits of zombies and tactics of survivors.
Here's a list of some zombie films & features to learn from, study them closely:
    Dawn of the Dead
    The Walking Dead
    28 Days Later
    Shaun of the Dead
    Zombieland
    Army of Darkness
    Dead Alive 
    Land Of The Dead
    Night of the Living Dead
    Survival of the Dead


7 - Virtual Training - Get used to the pace, the constant droning, and the patience it takes to survive zombie attacks
    Resident Evil
    The House of the Dead
    Dead Space
    Dead Rising
    Left For Dead
    Dead Island


8 - Get the right gear!! Dress for the life you want, not the life you have.
Apart from just the weaponry involved, their are some other things you should be strapping, and these guys have some terrific ideas:
http://www.undeadreport.com/2008/02/zombie-apocalypse-defense-gear/

9 - Show you're still alive - with a sense of humor!  They don't laugh, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Think Positive - Moving on after Bears lose to Packers


For Bears fans everywhere, this Sunday's loss to the Packers in the NFC title game is the worst in the team's history.  But there is little use in dwelling on the subject, as nothing you say or do will reverse the end result.  No, it is better to just move on with your life and restore your sanity.

Here are some positives you can take with you:

  1. Who really wants to make a trip to Dallas!!
  2. You can finally wash that stinky ass Bears jersey that you kept dirty in a desperate superstitious act to give the team that extra bit of luck.
  3. Take back your relaxing Sundays, with no more near-heart-attack-inducing fits of rage and feelings of hopelessness from close wins or losses.  Or use them to complete your honey-do-list.
  4. You can finally say "I told you so" to Cutler supporters.
  5. Maybe now you won't get that DUI on Superbowl Sunday?
  6. Fix your now damaged relationship with your significant other.  With no more fantasy football addictions, playoff rituals, drunken nights boasting about how the Bears will win the Superbowl, or gambling debts to worry about, you can spend more carefree time with your real family.
  7. Packer fans would have only insisted the Bears & the NFL teamed up in a massive conspiracy in order to knock out Green Bay, and this could have gone on for years, incessantly.  This way they can just drink their way into oblivion and Wisconsin will benefit enormously from all the tax money and DUI fines collected in the following weeks.
  8. You can finally say "I told you so" to Lovie supporters.
  9. Are the Steelers really the team we wanted to beat to get our next Superbowl?  We deserve better.  Plus we would have beaten another Pennsylvania city in a major championship [Blackhawks win 2010 Stanley Cup over Flyers], and that just doesn't seem fair to a state that really has nothing else going for it.
  10. If we win another Superbowl, we'll finally have to stop talking about the 85 Bears, and nobody wants to do that.
  11. Meh, its only a game.  I know this is the only one you'll really have a problem with, but when you say that phrase, in all seriousness, to a Packer fan, the reaction will be priceless, and the drunken retorts will fall to the ground harmlessly.  But seriously, don't let it get to you, it really is just a game.
Bear saying hi to a Packer fan